Fears

I'm scared of going to college...not because I'm going to change, or because my friends are going to change, or anything like that. No, my reasoning is different. I don't want to lose him. I've spent the past year advising people to avoid trying to stick it out with their significant others because it "never works"...at least, that's what I've seen. That's all that I knew. Now, I'm on the flip side. The other end of the equation and I feel conflicted. The rational part of me wants to back up and end it to spare myself the hurt that I know (or I'm pretty sure) will come from trying to do the long distance thing. The other part of me wants to ride it out. It could work, only time will tell. I know that even after three months, I struggle to imagine life without him. I realize that I hadn't been truly happy for all these years because I was involved in superficial relationships that in the end, I didn't give a damn about. I was never really "sad" when they were over because they weren't real. So that begs the question- how do you know that it's serious this time? I think the only answer to that is I know all of this is real...because I can't even begin to explain/rationalize my feelings and my true happiness in words, in a way that would make sense to anyone at all. I look around, and I see all these people that are happy with their boyfriends or girlfriends. I used to be jealous of their ecstacy because I never could seem to find it for myself. But now I can...and it's weird because my mind can't seem to let go of this paranoia that this won't last. I want it to, I want it to more than anything because I've never been so happy, so excited, in my entire life...maybe because LIFE has also taught me that the things that make you happy always get taken away eventually- and I think that's the root of my paranoia. Please let this be the exception. Let me have this one thing without it going anywhere. I want it to stay like this, I want it to grow in a positive way. I want to stay floating up above the clouds for more than a few months at a time. I want to soar...