Schooled
So I've learned a few things recently:
1) No matter how much I want to avoid it, I am always going to feel like a tool. There are always going to be people in my life who want to use me...and I will let them because saying "No" would prevent me from being accepted. More than anything, I just want to belong. That's why I love colorguard so much...you can be part of something bigger than yourself---something that you actually contribute to, you're needed, you're all in it together. No one is out to further themselves above anyone else. It's about being a team. If only life in general could work the same way and could make me as happy all the time. That's what I miss the most about being in high school...being part of a group like that. I can stand on the outside and look in at this year's squad, but it's not the same and sometimes it's hard to stand up there and not want to jump back in time and be on the guard again. Every practice this summer pulls me closer and closer to a time when I won't have guard in my life every week. Yes, I'm excited to start school next month...but I hate knowing that I'm going to lose an aspect of my life that I'm so passionate about.
2) No matter how excited I may be about something, 50% of my friends and family simply don't care. Case in point: New Student Day at SMCM yesterday. If you read my last entry you'll see how thrilled I was about my day. Taking my enthusiasm and trying to explain it to everyone back home worked with some and not with others. I was frusterated to see that people didn't care about why I was in a good mood, didn't even bother to ask how I liked the school until I mentioned it. Naturally, it's unfair of me to expect everyone to remember that I was actually going down there yesterday...but I felt like some sort of ten year old loser who had just gone to their first boy band concert from the way that people were responding to my excitement...and yet again, I felt like a tool. See a pattern here?
I don't mean to throw myself my own personal pity party here. I know I hate when people do that...but I also hate when I feel bad about being me; hence the negative entry. I guess now I have two options. I can sit back and let this cycle continue (because that's the easiest way to deal with any problem-to run away) or I can try to change this situation I'm in. I'm going to take the high road. Let's see how this goes...
1) No matter how much I want to avoid it, I am always going to feel like a tool. There are always going to be people in my life who want to use me...and I will let them because saying "No" would prevent me from being accepted. More than anything, I just want to belong. That's why I love colorguard so much...you can be part of something bigger than yourself---something that you actually contribute to, you're needed, you're all in it together. No one is out to further themselves above anyone else. It's about being a team. If only life in general could work the same way and could make me as happy all the time. That's what I miss the most about being in high school...being part of a group like that. I can stand on the outside and look in at this year's squad, but it's not the same and sometimes it's hard to stand up there and not want to jump back in time and be on the guard again. Every practice this summer pulls me closer and closer to a time when I won't have guard in my life every week. Yes, I'm excited to start school next month...but I hate knowing that I'm going to lose an aspect of my life that I'm so passionate about.
2) No matter how excited I may be about something, 50% of my friends and family simply don't care. Case in point: New Student Day at SMCM yesterday. If you read my last entry you'll see how thrilled I was about my day. Taking my enthusiasm and trying to explain it to everyone back home worked with some and not with others. I was frusterated to see that people didn't care about why I was in a good mood, didn't even bother to ask how I liked the school until I mentioned it. Naturally, it's unfair of me to expect everyone to remember that I was actually going down there yesterday...but I felt like some sort of ten year old loser who had just gone to their first boy band concert from the way that people were responding to my excitement...and yet again, I felt like a tool. See a pattern here?
I don't mean to throw myself my own personal pity party here. I know I hate when people do that...but I also hate when I feel bad about being me; hence the negative entry. I guess now I have two options. I can sit back and let this cycle continue (because that's the easiest way to deal with any problem-to run away) or I can try to change this situation I'm in. I'm going to take the high road. Let's see how this goes...
posted by haze at 8:57 PM
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