Two in one day...
Warning: extremely depressing post ahead...don't hold it against me.
He has no idea how much I need him. I thought that me going away to school would be a fun time for me. It has its moments, but for the most part, I've been doing so much soul-searching...and it seems to no avail. I have no clue if I'm doing the right thing with my life or not and it seems sometimes like everything back home is falling apart. Whenever I go back, I wind up bitter and bitchy...and I don't even know why. There are some people that I can still goof off with and be "happy go lucky" me and then there are others that I can't even start up a conversation with because I just don't know what to say anymore. For the first time in my life, I'm jealous of my brother. He gets to see everyone so often. It's so easy for him to maintain his friendships. That used to be me. I used to be the one people would call if they had drama, I was the person that people would go to if they needed a hug or a kind word. I guess I just can't relinquish my old role that easily to other people because I loved it. Everything is so hard. When I'm home, I want to be here. When I'm here, I want to be home. I hate to say it, but the things that I'm feeling and going through now remind me a lot of myself my freshman and sophomore years when it took all I had to get up and talk to people. And I hate that I feel so pathetic. I'm trying to be an adult, I'm trying to be the rock that I always have been for people but sometimes I just want to cry and not have to feel bad about it. Jeanette said she had trouble her freshman year too. I thought I knew a lot about myself and about life but really, I don't know a damn thing about any of it...and that's the hardest part. Life isn't about having all the answers...it's about experiencing things for yourself. It just seems like lately they've only been hard times. I used to have all the answers. I don't have people to go to anymore because they have their own lives to lead, people to talk to, friends to hang out with. I feel guilty for being so sad all the time. I know that it's really hard on Chris. I'm impossible to put up with but I need him to hang in there because right now, he's my rock. I need him to cry with me, to hold my hand and tell me that I'm going to be okay. He told me I'll make it through this because I'm a strong person...I'm not strong. I never have been. I always faked it because I felt like that's the person I needed to be for everyone else. I know that I'm going to come out of this slump a better and stronger person. And I know that it's going to take time and a lot of effort on my part to be okay. I can't just tell someone you don't understand what it's like because that's offensive, yet it's the truth. They don't know what it's like. There's nothing that anyone can do.
I feel better after having typed all of that. It was kind of stream-of-consciousness but that's the mood I'm in right now. So until next time....
He has no idea how much I need him. I thought that me going away to school would be a fun time for me. It has its moments, but for the most part, I've been doing so much soul-searching...and it seems to no avail. I have no clue if I'm doing the right thing with my life or not and it seems sometimes like everything back home is falling apart. Whenever I go back, I wind up bitter and bitchy...and I don't even know why. There are some people that I can still goof off with and be "happy go lucky" me and then there are others that I can't even start up a conversation with because I just don't know what to say anymore. For the first time in my life, I'm jealous of my brother. He gets to see everyone so often. It's so easy for him to maintain his friendships. That used to be me. I used to be the one people would call if they had drama, I was the person that people would go to if they needed a hug or a kind word. I guess I just can't relinquish my old role that easily to other people because I loved it. Everything is so hard. When I'm home, I want to be here. When I'm here, I want to be home. I hate to say it, but the things that I'm feeling and going through now remind me a lot of myself my freshman and sophomore years when it took all I had to get up and talk to people. And I hate that I feel so pathetic. I'm trying to be an adult, I'm trying to be the rock that I always have been for people but sometimes I just want to cry and not have to feel bad about it. Jeanette said she had trouble her freshman year too. I thought I knew a lot about myself and about life but really, I don't know a damn thing about any of it...and that's the hardest part. Life isn't about having all the answers...it's about experiencing things for yourself. It just seems like lately they've only been hard times. I used to have all the answers. I don't have people to go to anymore because they have their own lives to lead, people to talk to, friends to hang out with. I feel guilty for being so sad all the time. I know that it's really hard on Chris. I'm impossible to put up with but I need him to hang in there because right now, he's my rock. I need him to cry with me, to hold my hand and tell me that I'm going to be okay. He told me I'll make it through this because I'm a strong person...I'm not strong. I never have been. I always faked it because I felt like that's the person I needed to be for everyone else. I know that I'm going to come out of this slump a better and stronger person. And I know that it's going to take time and a lot of effort on my part to be okay. I can't just tell someone you don't understand what it's like because that's offensive, yet it's the truth. They don't know what it's like. There's nothing that anyone can do.
I feel better after having typed all of that. It was kind of stream-of-consciousness but that's the mood I'm in right now. So until next time....
posted by haze at 10:05 PM
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