It's time...

...for me to get real with myself. I had a breakdown last night. I sat here for far too long, allowed my pain to build up inside me until I burst. I promised myself a long time ago that I would not let that happen to me again. Promise broken...but at least I got it all out. I feel like I have lost control in so many aspects of my life. As I'm writing this I'm reminded of something I read in a book that really struck me: You create your own experience. I have been wallowing in all of this negativity that I have begun to let the sadness consume me and become who I am. I don't want to be that girl anymore. I have been that girl...I have to learn how to get those intrusive fears out of my mind. I need to stop worrying about things I can do nothing about, about the choices I need to make a long way down the road. I need to regain control of the moment, to return to that happy person I was at the end of high school. College does so much more than gives you an education. It makes you strip down to your skin, to expose yourself to a whole new, scary world. I kept trying to hide, I wouldn't let that happen. I need to redefine myself...to get rid of this mask I wear in front of most people in my life and find the me that I can show to everyone. I need to be willing to assume a little risk, and trust that the people who love me will stick by me through this whole process.

He knows the real me...he has seen me at my worst moments, and at my best. He has been my support through all of this, he's held me close when I was scared, he has said the things that make all the sadness go away. To be able to have just a few people in your life that you can show both sides of yourself to like this is truly a blessing.

So, maybe in the long run, growing up isn't about making a name for yourself in this world. Not about marrying the right person, having the right job, driving the right car, or knowing the right people. It's about figuring out how to be comfortable with yourself and learning how to adjust, how to adapt, how to change. I'm beginning to think that my journey is starting today.