The Bitter Angle

I finally have it all figured out. I get why I haven't been happy here. I've been socially stifled. Going to such a small school forces you to meet and bond with people quickly. You become entrenched in a particular role within your group. For me, I'm expected to be the goofball because I first relate to people through humor, that was how I became their friend. That same aspect of my personality has caused people to view me as one-dimensional. Suddenly any attempt of mine to be serious leads to ridicule. I can't be my full self down here. I can't show that I'm multi-faceted because I won't be accepted. It's horrible for me to live this way. There are times when being the goofball works well for me, at those times when I'm feeling particularly silly. That isn't always me though-I want to be intellectual, I want to be serious, and I can't be. Even the people that I say I'm closest to down here I feel myself pulling away from.

My depleting self-confidence has affected things back home too. The people that I used to be so close to, I feel myself drawing back from because I don't necessarily know what type of person I can be around them anymore. So I sit back, quiet and bitter (for the most part), because I have to rediscover myself first. Maybe that's why I'm so excited about going back home. I know that being around people that know the real me, ALL of me, will be a lot healthier for me. The longer stints I've spent at home (longer than just a weekend), I've never been happier because I've had time to rediscover myself. I've drifted so far from people back home that I don't even know if they want ME around anymore, I don't know what type of person they're looking for now.

Of course, not everyone makes me feel this way. There are still a few people back home that I have no problem blending in with again when I come home, because I know that they'll be there for me, loving me regardless. I'm not scared of losing them because they already understand the real me.




You mean everything to me, because you've seen me at my best, and at my worst, and you know how hard all of this has been on me, and on us. And yet you make me feel as though you'll always be there beside me while I go through all of this. Next year will be better for us, I promise...when I can be in familiar surroundings, when I won't be so disenchanted by people, when I can be myself again. You have no idea how much it means to me that you're still around. Everything that we've been through this year will be worth it in the long run, we're stronger because of it. I am stronger from being with you. You're a breath of fresh air for me. I love you...