Tears really are salty.

My problem? I feel too much. I wish that I had never gone so far away for school. I have lost so much...and it all became so clear to me tonight. I'm bitter. I don't have many close friends anymore. Life went out without me, while I was still trying to adjust, and by the time I did, it was game over. I lost a lot of security I built up around myself from high school, and I don't know how to get it back. Sometimes I just feel so lost and frusterated with myself. There are so many instances this year where I would give anything to go back and redo them. I make a few strides, and fall backwards ten feet. But I'm not going to give up. This isn't something I'm going to sit back and just let happen anymore because it caused so much pent-up pain and resentment that just flooded out tonight. I'm really scared that my reaching out isn't going to do any good. But I need to have the type of friendships with people that I used to have, or the next year is going to be even tougher for me. I need to let down the walls I built up this year and let people in again. I want to be able to go to a party with everyone, and not feel self-conscious about what they really think of me. I want to be able to be confident in what I can bring to a friendship again. I don't want to take my emotions out on the one person who means the absolute most to me. I'm so ashamed of that. I felt like I needed to lash out at someone else rather than just sit down and cry and allow my own self to hurt. Doing that means that I have to face the things that scare me the most--my own imperfections, and hope that maybe I can make them better.