Home Not-so-Sweet Home

Being back from school has certainly granted me a lot of blessings...being able to reconnect with my high school friends, spending more time with Chris, less stress, etc. But I've also felt overwhelmed trying to redefine my relationship with my family, particularly with my parents. They don't get along anymore. Ever. I come home from work, and they're on two completely different levels of the house. Dinnertime is quiet save for the clinking of silverware against the plates. Conversation (if anything worth talking about comes up that won't lead to arguing) can feel forced at times too. So forgive me for not being thrilled when I feel guilty and find myself compelled to stay at home a night or two each week and watch TV with one parent while the other is upstairs, or sit in my room lonely, but pretending that we're still a "normal" family. I am not the problem. And I feel as though this family isn't going to be right again until the rents make some big changes. That's that.

But on to happier thoughts...

Two nights ago I went up to Westminster HS for a YEA Music in Motion DCI show. The lineup was awesome: Jersey Surf, Magic, Spirit, Cadets, Crossmen, Carolina Crown, Boston Crusaders, Phanton Regiment...I had a blast, although watching other guards perform is not nearly as fun as doing it yourself. Part of me was saddened sitting up there in the stands though, because I miss performing so much. Sure instructing is fun and brings new challenges every rehearsal, but there's NOTHING like the butterflies you get in your stomach before you step onto the field or the smile you feel inside when you finally master the move you never thought you could do; and NOTHING like that pride you feel when you find yourself on a squad that people have reason to be afraid of competing against. That is what I lived for in high school. No other rush can quite compare to that. Those are the moments I would go back to and redo in a heartbeat, over and over again, so that I'd never have to yearn for them.

And I miss the companionship. I keep up with most of the old guardies from over the years, but there have been quite a few (especially from when I first started out) that I wish I could have kept in better contact with. Guard has given me the most special type of bond with my sisters, something you can't just go out and get from any friendship. Particularly with the people in my graduating class...we endured through the struggles, through the drama, through the bad scores. We know we were worth something more than all of that to each other. And we still are. I was hanging out with Bobbi-girl today and reminiscing with her felt like a breath of fresh air...to go back to those times when we couldn't have been any happier made me feel sad and thrilled all at once.

I want to be able to share all that with the people that came and will come after us, at both schools. But I feel like they'll never completely understand, because they didn't start at the bottom and have to climb to the top. They started out at that peak, and they're still climbing. But I want them all to see that guard is so much more than learning how to throw a flag or learning how to spin a rifle, in the hopes that maybe they'll get half as much out of it as I did.